Wibble Primary is a satirical series of stories about Bill Buster, a primary school head teacher from London, who is abducted by aliens due to an intergalactic shortage of head teachers by the Intergalactic Department for Instructions, Orders, Teaching and Schools (IDIOTS). He has been appointed the head teacher of Wibble Primary on the planet Jellifray in the Jelli constellation.
The bright white light faded and Bill found that he was able to focus on the figure in front of him. As his eyes began to grow accustomed to the ambient light around he soon wished that he wasn’t able to see. The “thing” facing him across a large, important looking desk looked for all the world like an upturned jelly sitting on a chair. That, in itself would not have been quite so alarming as the fact that there appeared to be three tentacles sticking out of the pinkish jelly, one either side of the quivering body and one sticking out in front. The two tentacles on either side of the creature were waving about in the air in a disturbing display of random motion.
The most alarming sight however was a single pallid eye that appeared to be floating about inside the top part of the jelly like creature which he supposed to be the creature’s head. The eye was looking directly at him, but its slow wobbling motion was making Bill feel queasy. As he began to take in all that was in front of him, he became aware that the creature was talking to him out of the central tentacle, which terminated in a pair of lips.
“I do apologise, but desperate circumstances, you know. It has not been easy Mr. Buster trying to maintain a galactic standard of education without suitable leaders. I’m sure you’re aware of the problem on your home planet”. The voice sounded like a wet towel slapped on a slab of concrete.
A lesser mortal would have fainted at this point, but Bill was made of sterner stuff. After all he had taught class 3C for a whole term when their new teacher Mr. Ticker had to be taken away after he had been found wandering the school with a carrot sticking out of each ear saying “today’s lesson objective is ..” over and over again. Shame really. He had shown great promise as an NQT but 3C were notorious in the staffroom having got through over twenty teacher in less than four years, and many older members of staff had won bets on how long it would take for them to “knobble” poor old Mr. Ticker.
“Ur.. ghhh… ummm… errr” was all however that Bill was able to mutter as he struggled to regain control of his vocal cords. He was also becoming aware of a dull ache throughout his body as if he’s been through a Kenwood blender.
“Ah.., that will be the effect of the transmission ray. I am sorry that it was necessary to abduct you, but as I said needs must” said the wet sloppy voice.
All the while the creature was talking the single eye was slowly rolling around inside its head. To make matters worse Bill became aware that vague shapes that looked like internal organs could just about be made out inside the creature’s body. Bill decided the safest option was to close his eyes.
He tried to recollect what had happened and how he had come to be here. His last memory was of walking to the staff car park at the end of school after the usual acrimonious staff meeting (Dorothy had bought up the issue of playground balls yet again! – “take away their balls” she had screamed hysterically) when a bright light suddenly surrounded him and then he lost consciousness.
Bill’s mind returned to the present. He scratched the back of his head where he felt a lump that was itching like mad.
The voice continued…
“Don’t worry about the chip we placed in the back of your head. Any itching or discomfort will soon disappear. The chip is there to ensure that you can understand alien languages, otherwise you wouldn’t really be much use as a head teacher to us, would you now. But I haven’t introduced myself. I do apologise. I am Flangit Wongle of the Intergalactic Department of Instruction, Orders, Teaching and Schools, referred to across the whole known universe as IDIOTS. You will be pleased to know that you are the first successful applicant for our new relocation package designed to overcome our current unfortunate succession problems within the education sector.”
“But I didn’t apply for anything” said Bill, still with his eyes closed.
“Er, well no, but you were selected from a long list of potential candidates.”
“Why me, why did you chose me” said Bill weakly.
“Well the list was in alphabetical order and you were first on the list” said the wet voice abruptly.
Bill opened his eyes and looked around. He knew straight away that he was in a space ship. He had seen the whole of the original series of Start trek and recognised the curvy walls, twinkling lights of meaningless control panels and the clean lines of modernistic furniture. He also noticed that the desk had a sign saying “Starship Blob”.
“We are currently on route to the plant Wobble in the Jelli constellation where we hope you will accept our invitation to be the head teacher of Wibble primary”.
“And If I refuse?”
“In that case you will be redirected in line with IDIOTS policy” said Flangit bluntly.
“Redirected where?”
“To the incinerator. I can assure you that we have a clear and unambiguous equal opportunities policy. All our head teachers are directed to the incinerator if they fall to maintain standards. It is true that the burn out rate amongst the profession is unfortunately high but surely that must be the same back on Earth?”
The sound of the word Earth made Bill feel suddenly queasy again and he gathered his final strength to exclaim “What do you want of me?”
“Well It’s very simple really. We want you to raise standards, develop the school community, raise standards, implement the new galactic curriculum and raise standards. We at IDIOTS are determined to forge an educational system fit for the 83rd and a quarter century and will do anything to ensure that this is achieved, saved actually doing any teaching ourselves of course.“ Flangit paused for a moment and then went on “and we want you to raise standards … did I mention that?”
Bill passed out.
