Sue and I went on a weeks holiday to Crete in July 2009.
It was the first holiday after my diagnosis.
Crete
Sunday 26th July 2009
We had a good journey to Crete but found it difficult to leave Enfield. We had booked the holiday on a whim the week before and had an awful time trying to get insurance.
I felt tearful on the flight over. I was reading ‘Intoxicated by my illness’ by Aristole Broyard but found out that the author died just 18 months after his diagnosis of PC. Is that what will happen to me? I am haunted by a premonition of an early death. And even if it isn’t, I somehow feel that the time, however long it is, will go in an instant and I will be breathing my last breath. Perhaps that is what life is like for everyone.
Back to my thoughts on life. I have been deriving much comfort from theses thoughts, namely that life is everywhere and in everything. The distinction between organic life and the non-organic is false. The mountains and the oceans are just as much as part of life as the so called ‘living’ organisms. This means that there is nothing but life – nowhere is there not life. Even on the furthest moon or the furthest reaches of space because everything is latent with life. There is no such thing as no-life. Death is not no-life, it is a transition.
Life is not an accident. It is not an add-on to the material world – it is the whole purpose of the world. There will always be life. There is nothing but life.
I have also been trying a walking meditation. Wherever I casually see someone I repeat this phrase internally:
Your are me and I am you.
It is very powerful. It breaks down the barriers of separateness and lets me see that I am connected to everyone.
Monday 27th July 2009
Very, very tearful this morning – just can’t get morbid thoughts, out of my mind. Nothing in my intellect or faith has prepared me for the depth of my feelings. I have to remember that feelings are transient. Life is eternal.
Slept very well and woke up with no pain at all. However, am now attributing any odd ache to the cancer in my lymphs.
It was helpful talking to Sue about the feelings, and hearing how she felt.
Continued to be tearful for most of the day but was worse in the mornings – it’s always worse in the mornings. Found it difficult to watch young couples with children. It brings back wonderful and powerful memory and I yearn to to those days.
Walking back to our chalet I was musing about how I have always felt as if I have been missing out in some way. It is not a specific feeling – I haven’t got a clue what it is that I could be missing out. I wonder if other people have the same sort of feeling? I think that when I die I’ll always be worried that something wonderful will happen – like we’ll make contact with aliens or I’ll just miss a cure for caner!
I remember when I was younger hoping that I would live into the 21st century if something amazing would then happen. Feel that the start of this century has been a bit of a let down.
Tuesday 28th July 2009
Was up at 4am to catch the coach to take us to Samaria gorge. It took about 4 hours to get there as it’s right over the other side of the island.
the gorge was beautiful but a very difficult walk at 16km over very rocky ground. My left knew started to give way towards the end.
At one stage I didn’t think that Sue was going to make it – she had to lie down with nausea and dizziness. But she got up and we both got through it.
I was desperately upset that I had dragged Sue through this – it seems that dragging Sue through shit is one of my major contributions to our marriage! Sue’s fingers swelled up and I was really frightened that she might be seriously hurt. I will never do anything like that again.
Sue is at times so determined and tenacious in a way that I never am – it’s one of her positive personality traits.
Most of my quiet weeping has been about Sue and what I’ve dragged her through, and there were moments about the kids too and how I could have been a better father. But nowhere near as bad as yesterday.
Wednesday 29th July 2009
Very, very stiff this morning. Sue and I spent the whole day waddling about like geriatrics.
Went down to Star beach. Lots of young people – obviously what it’s set up for. There were lots of activities like water sports and bungee jumping, and foam discos. But I couldn’t help noticing that the young people rarely looked happy!
Sue and I found as spot on a beach a couple of bays away and sunbathed all day. Had dinner in the taverna and spent a lot of time talking – mainly about Sue’s family and her childhood.
Not so weepy today – just a few silent tears.
Thursday 30th July 2009
Had a super day on the 4X4 jeep experience. Enjoyed seeing the vultures and some spectacular views across the plateau. Walked up to Zeus’ cave. The driver was really excellent and the fellow passengers good company.
When we got back to our apartments we sat round the pool for a while but I got very tearful. Went back to the apartments with Sue for a good cry and then made tea. In the evening we went for a walk into the villages and bought some gifts. Stopped for drinks and a chat.
Not sure why I was so upset, but in a sense it’s always the same things; fear of dying, or somehow missing out, of separation, of extinction. I have to remind myself that feelings are transitory.
During our conversation we talked about how better life was when things were simple – before TV for example. I think the idea of trying to have a more simple lifestyle is really important and perhaps we should try Lundy to have a go. The idea would be to create a life style with a much more natural rhythm.
Friday 31st July 2009
Had a great day at Knossos and Heraklion – although very hot.
Ruins were amazing although difficult to grasp at times. The guide was very good and said some things that spoke directly to me; ‘questions are more important than answers’, ‘use you heart as well as your mind’, and ‘if you sit quietly and reflect you can have insights that you wouldn’t get from reading hundreds of books’.
I was thinking on the coach how arrogant I am to think that I can use intellect to unravel the mystery of life and death. This is something mankind has been struggling with forever and yet I imagine that I can sort it out! How conceited!
It seems to me that the great mysteries of life can only be solved by a collective consciousness – no individual can do it on their own. I gain some comfort from the thought that God has always been with me helping me in some strange way. I sense that I will meet God at the moment of death – what happens after is in his hands.
Saturday 1st August 2009
Spent the day at the beach. Super weather. There was a smiley Greek chap serving food and sorting out the loungers – I wonder what his life is like? Does he have a wife and children? Does he do this job all year? Why is he happy? I often imagine what other people’s lives are like.
Had some tearful moments. I think my main task is to let go of the future. Give it over to God. I don’t know how long I’ll last but I could just as easily get run over by a bus.
Faith is not about heaven and the afterlife, it’s about the next five minutes. None of us know what will happen. we either live in faith or fear – it’s our choice.
Have enjoyed the holiday in Crete – it is a special place. The Minoan civilisation gives it a spiritual flavour. I’d like to come back and visit the other Minoan sites someday.
